I can think of sooo many times when I’ve done this.

Yes, I’ll do that for you, then immediately walk away and kick myself for adding one more thing to my plate.

For me, I am trying to control the other person’s perception of me (and how I think about myself).

I want people to like me (I want to like me). I want people to know they can count on me. I want to belong.

And the story I tell myself is that if I say YES, people will like me and I’ll belong. If I say NO, people will not like me and I won’t belong anywhere.

I won’t be safe if I say NO. I’ll be isolated and alone.

This is my (and your) ultimate fear that drives us to say yes, when we actually want to say no.

We think if we say no we won’t have any friends, our family won’t be there for us when we need them, and we for sure won’t get the promotion at work if we say no.

For some of us, the worst part of saying no is how we will treat ourselves afterwards. We’ll think thoughts like, you should have said yes. A good person would have said yes to helping their friend out this weekend.

Then beat ourselves up (with our thoughts) for the decision we made.

Saying YES and regretting that decision doesn’t actually benefit them or you. The other person may benefit from your help temporarily but your relationship will suffer long term (and so will you).

Strategies For Saying No

What if saying NO was the kindest, safest thing you could do?

What if you started making NO your default instead of YES when people ask you to do something for them?

What if you said NO and had you’re own back every time?

Strategy Idea #1:

In my own life I’ve come up with a strategy for this that’s helped me out a lot (and I need help because I’m a recovering people pleaser):

My strategy is - if someone asks me for something and they are not my immediate family or close friends my default answer is NO.

Could it be a yes instead? It could but I would have to give it some thought before saying YES because my default is NO.

In order to protect my time and energy for the people who matter most to me, this is the strategy that works best for me.

Strategy Idea #2:

Here’s another strategy: if you can’t say YES without resentment you say NO.

That’s it. Don’t overcomplicate, just check in with yourself before responding when someone asks you for something.

“Will I resent them and maybe even myself if I say YES to this?”

If the answer is YES, you will resent them then you need to say NO. If the answer is NO you won’t resent them, then you can say YES (if you want to).

The best part of this strategy is how aware you will become using it. You’ll start to recognize how often you say, YES without really considering the consequences.

What’s Your Strategy?

What’s your strategy for protecting your time and energy?

Do you have one?

How will you ensure that you’re not saying YES with a side of resentment?

For some of you, you’re actually saying YES to way too much for your immediate family and close friends and you may need a different strategy than the ones I’ve offered here.

The line between self sacrifice and self abuse is fine and only you (and your coach) can know when you’ve stumbled over it.

“I think I was so dependent on outward validation, which is exhausting for me and my husband Jonathan.

But since coaching with Coleman I know that am responsible for my own validation, and I am responsible for making sure that I feel seen and loved.

And I think that shift for me and my husband has been huge too, because it takes a lot of that pressure off for him to validate me.”

- Megynn W.

Thank you for subscribing to emotional regulation coaching. My name is Coleman Housefield. I live in Colorado Springs, CO with my wife, 3 kids, and 2 dogs.

Here’s a few photos of our family:

Here’s our two pups, Bross and Sage:

My Story

When I was a kid I would get stomach cramps pretty often. They hurt real bad and my parents did everything they knew to do to support me in this. They took me to different doctors, one time we even went to the ER because it hurt so bad. They went down the nutritional route to figure out if I was allergic to something and unfortunately none of it really worked other than to sometimes relieve the pain temporarily.

Fast forward to becoming a parent, it wasn’t just stomach cramps anymore. Now I would feel nauseous and sometimes I would find myself in a full blown panic attack.

Turns out, I had no idea how to feel my emotions (and I had a lot of them). Physically, I was strong and capable. I’d completed a triathlon, ran marathons, completed a 100 mile eco challenge and had a successful career in technology.

If you could have observed me from the outside you may have thought, this guy is tough, he can handle just about anything life throws at him.

But I could not handle the strong and constant emotions I was feeling. I had no idea how to do this. I did what most people do with their emotions, I reacted to my emotions, avoided and resisted them.

Emotional Reaction

When I reacted to my emotions, I would get angry and raise my voice. I would use sarcasm to make biting remarks. I would blame my kids for how irritated I was feeling, they left the mess on the floor after all, they could have picked it up.

Emotional Resistance

Or I would resist my emotions by telling myself I shouldn’t feel this way. I would feel ashamed of how I was thinking and feeling and I would beat myself up and judge myself harshly for how weak I was.

Emotional Avoidance

I would also avoid my emotions using entertainment and productivity as a way to escape from the emotions I was feeling. I would watch a movie, tv show, read a book, or spend time on social media. I would get to work, be super productive in my work or home projects to avoid my emotions.

All of these very normal and natural strategies for handling emotions have negative consequences and I experienced them all.

When I reacted to my emotions, projecting them out onto the people around me I hurt the people I love the most. My kids weren’t responsible for my irritation, I was but I was blaming them for it.

When I was resisting my emotions I was creating an environment of judgement for myself which was making me show up more judgmental towards everyone else with the people closest to me ultimately paying the price. I felt terrible about myself too and I was showing up from this place always trying to be better and failing all the time.

When I avoided my emotions through distraction and productivity, eventually those emotions I had been avoiding would build up and come out in the form of nausea, stomach cramps, or panic attacks. Often at night when the house was quiet and everyone was asleep or in the early hours of the morning when the anxiety would wake me up.

How I Started Feeling and Processing My Emotions

Everyone’s journey of learning how to feel and process their emotions is different and unique to them. For me, I first learned how to do this through being coached by someone who knew how to help me drop into my body and feel my emotions without reacting, avoiding, or resisting them.

That first time was the most uncomfortable I’ve been in a long time and the biggest feeling of relief I'd felt in a long time. I was terrified of feeling anxious, truly feeling it, getting to know it, understanding why it was there.

As crazy as it may sound, I was scared of getting swallowed up by it. Of ending up in another panic attack where I would get stuck in negative emotions for hours with no way to get out.

The surprising thing was how fast the sensation of the emotion started to dissipate when I stopped thinking and just focused on feeling it in my body.

I had never felt that amount of peace and relief before when I felt anxious in the past.

I literally felt the anxiety in my stomach start to melt away like someone pouring water on salt.

Ever since that day, I’ve been dropping into my body and feeling my emotions. I’m not afraid of them anymore because I know how to feel them and learn from them. I know how to drop into my body and focus on them so my body can process the sensation of emotion.

Now I know how to create new, neural pathways in my brain so I can start thinking new thoughts that create a different emotion in my body, one that I want to feel.

You Can Learn How To Feel Your Emotions

You can learn how to feel your emotions too, bringing your nervous system back to regulation without reacting to your emotions or distracting yourself.

You can work with me as your coach where I do the heavy lifting for you or you can do the work yourself using all the free resources I provide here on Substack.

Relationships, start here:

Anxiety, overwhelm, or stress start here:

Parenting, start here:

“Through emotional regulation coaching I went from being so reactive, just like a fuse waiting to be lit all the time, to now I feel like when I have bad days, they’re not as bad because I don’t spiral like I used to. I haven’t had a rage moment in a long time.”

- Megynn W.

Context: Megynn transformed from having angry days regularly to having angry moments instead. She doesn’t get stuck in her anger anymore because she knows how to regulate her nervous system after coaching with Coleman.

If you don’t know me that well I should explain that I love competition. I love to compete, I absolutely love the way sweet victory and the sting of defeat feels. It makes me feel alive.

I can’t understand people who play sports just for fun because competition is the ultimate fun to me.

So when it hit me this morning, when I didn’t care whether I won or lost and I wasn’t feeling that fun energy to compete it caught me off guard.

When I checked in with my body I felt nothing which is unusual for me. I’m someone who regularly feels lots of emotions because I care deeply.

My pickleball team mate noticed and asked why I was being so quiet. I replied with, I’m tired. I didn’t say more than that. That’s all I could think to say actually, I wasn’t exactly sure what was going on.

On my way home, I dropped into my body to see if I could figure out what was going on for me.

Collapse… that’s what I was experiencing.

My nervous system had gone into collapse mode (it’s a built in safety switch your nervous system has).

Think of it like a circuit breaker, when the wire gets too hot, to prevent overload or risk a fire the breaker flips off, automatically.

When you can’t get back to regulation and the dysregulation in your body feels like too much, your nervous system flips the breaker and you go into full collapse mode.

No power to the emotional circuits in your body.

Collapse as a nervous system state is often used to describe what happens when we experience significant trauma but it also happens when the assault on your nervous system has built up over time and you’ve gotten stuck in dysregulation for too long.

Nervous System Collapse

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it just is the way your nervous system works. It’s trying to protect your energy and ultimately your survival.

It’s completely normal and it happens to everyone, not just those of us with significant trauma in our lives.

Nervous system collapse is a signal and the signal is that you need to slow down.

Take a minute to breathe, go for a walk outside. Immerse your 5 senses in the natural world. Stop thinking for a few minutes and just feel whatever comes up for you using all 5 senses. Do something creative, like building something, art or journaling. Meditate or pray.

Double down on taking care of yourself for the next 24-48 hours. Cancel all non essential work or personal commitments and take some time to do things that help you recover.

I’m using this exact strategy this week to help myself recover.

Collapse Is Normal

There’s nothing wrong with you (or me).

• Maybe you’ve pushed too hard without pausing to recover.

• Maybe it’s been a challenging season of your life with circumstances mostly outside of your control.

• Maybe you did have a significantly traumatic experience recently.

Maybe a little bit of 2 or all 3. Either way, what you’re experiencing is normal and it’s your nervous system’s built in way that it protects you from overdoing it for too long.

The worst thing you can do is keep pushing. Keep your schedule exactly the same and keep taxing your nervous system while it’s in collapse mode. Your physical health is literally at risk if you do this.

Questions To Help You Get Started:

What will you say no to, or change about your schedule this week to help yourself recover?

How will you double down on taking care of yourself for the next 24-48 hours?

Remember, every act of self care isn’t just for you, it’s also for the people who are counting on you. They deserve you at your best, showing up in a way that alignes with your values.

How will you take care of the most important asset you will ever have, this week?

That asset is YOU.

Coleman’s coaching made a real life impact on my productivity as we considered some roadblocks that were hijacking my best efforts.

I found him to be encouraging while advocating for my best moves and providing fresh solutions on areas I’ve not dove into in the past. In my estimation he is the rare combo of well-trained, gifted.

- Joe G.

It’s not about trying to cram more productivity into every hour; it’s about understanding where our energy actually goes—and how to create more of it.

The core insight?

We can minimize our drains, but we’ll never fully eliminate them (and you don’t want to, trust me).

Instead, the real magic is in managing our energy by adding micro gains—tiny, strategic moments that refill our tank before it hits zero.

In this episode, we talk about three camps people fall into when it comes to energy management: those who don’t know what energizes them, those who only associate gains with big, time-consuming acts, and those who mistake entertainment or indulgence for recovery—like binge-watching TV or doom-scrolling.

We give you the key to recognizing the difference between relief and recovery. Relief is numbing pain temporarily, but recovery restores us physically, emotionally, and mentally.

And here’s something that might surprise you: the most effective gains don’t have to cost a thing. A ten-minute walk, a slow kitchen prep, a focused conversation with someone you love—these micro-moves matter more than we think.

They help us stay connected, grounded, and resilient throughout our week.

What’s vital, though, is becoming self-aware. Do we know what drains us, or are we just reacting to obligation, culture, or comparison?

For example, Abby shared how she realized late-night social media browsing only made her feel more scattered. Once we can name these things, we can start to intentionally design our days, adding short, restorative micro gains and managing inevitable drains.

It’s also about language—learning to dig a little deeper than “I feel tired” or “I’m overwhelmed.”

Are you overstimulated? Mentally cluttered? Bored?

Sometimes, a simple shift in words exposes what our body and mind are actually asking for—movement, rest, or connection.

Self-awareness, frankly, is the secret to living intentionally without burning out. Because when we operate from a place of energy—rather than depletion—we show up better for those who matter most in our lives.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the idea of overhaul, start small.

Look at your schedule—what’s draining you most?

What micro gains can you build in?

And plan ahead—if you know a big drain is coming, like a tough meeting or social event, prep yourself with some refueling points.

Your body knows what it needs. Your job is to listen, name, and honor it.

We wouldd love to hear—what micro gains are you planning to add this week? Or which drain are you working to manage better?

Have a great weekend!

Coleman + Abby

Have a question or comment to share? We would love to hear from you!

You can send us an email at:
ordinaryfamilyshow@gmail.com

Here’s where you can find us online:

Websites:

https://www.colemanhousefield.com/

https://www.thenaturelabschool.com/

Substack:
colemanhousefield.substack.com

Instagram:
abbyhousefield
coleman.housefield.coaching

Bross is his name and he’s been part of our family for 13 years. He’s camped with us, hiked 14,000 mountain peaks, he’s chased my mountain bike and run trails with Abby.

He’s retrieved well over 1k birds as a hunting dog and well over 10k tennis ball retrieves over the course of his life. Through it all, he’s loved our kids. Putting up with them pulling on his ears, falling on him petting him roughly when they were babies and toddlers.

He can’t do any of those things anymore though. In these last 2-3 months (I’m not even sure how long it’s been) he’s lost his ability to get up off the ground under his own power. We’ve been helping him off the ground so he can get water, food, and use the restroom.

Once he’s on his feet, he’s becoming less and less stable each day and he falls over, sometimes on the back porch concrete and I think about how much that’s gotta hurt. Someone in our family rescues him when this happens and every time we help him up we feel it. That gnawing sense that this is the end.

He has sores on his body from where he lays down all day, he’s losing muscle mass rapidly in his back legs, he trembles from the pain or cold (we’re not sure but probably both) most days.

How much longer does he have?

Is it time to put him to sleep?

How much suffering is too much?

Why am I telling you all of this?

Maybe I’m telling you this because I needed to write about it. I needed to put words to paper about what our family is going through and how we’re navigating it.

Maybe I’m sharing this story with you because you have your own story of suffering and a heavy season of your own life and you know what it was like to go about your days carrying that heaviness with you.

Loss, Grief, and Your Nervous System

About two weeks ago Abby pointed out to me how irritable and on edge I had been acting. She pointed out how I’d been downright mean and unkind to her and the kids for the past week.

Towards the very end of Abby’s tough love moment of calling me out for my behavior that she knew was not aligned with my values she said this, “I get it babe, it’s been heavy around this house with Bross, we’re all feeling a lot of emotions about it and I’m sure you are too”.

In that moment my brain finally connected the dots: I was avoiding feeling the loss and grief of Bross slowly dying before my eyes and in the place where grief and loss should have been was irritation and frustration with everyone and everything.

My nervous system was in a constant, low hum of dysregulation as it did it’s best to carry around all the unprocessed sadness and grief about my dog slowly dying because I was avoiding feeling my emotions.

Tears and crying are like a reset for your nervous system (so is laughter). Certain emotions like sadness, loss, and grief are looking for a physical response from your body in order to come back to regulation → tears.

A good cry resets your nervous system helping it come back to regulation after feeling strong emotions.

This of course presents a problem when we don’t slow down long enough to allow ourselves to feel the emotions and to shed some tears about it.

All change is loss, and all loss must be mourned - Harry Levinson.

All change is a loss of some sort, I agree with Harry on this one. You are experiencing loss all the time in your own life. Small, big, and in some cases what feels like catastrophic loss. But it’s all loss.

How are you caring for and helping your nervous system reset?

How are you supporting your kids and the people you love when they experience loss?

Do you make space for them and you to have a good cry? To feel whatever they need to feel? To have a bad day or a day where they are clearly not okay?

Maybe today, you need to go for a walk outside and give yourself a chance to mourn the latest loss for you or your friends and family.

As I write this to you some dear friends of ours just had twins, a boy and a girl. The boy is currently in the NICU with complications and may not make it.

Loss my friends is a normal part of our shared lives together.

How will you treat yourself and the people you love the most the next time you feel it?

Your nervous system (and their’s) is counting on you to help it come back to regulation through feeling what you need to feel emotionally and letting the tears come.

My very first session with Coleman was transformative.

He asked me, "What do you really want to work on?

What would make a big difference in your life this year?

I shared my fears about committing to my big goals and Coleman helped me to see that regardless of a goal's size or daunting nature, I choose how to approach it, with my daily attitude, thought patterns, and beyond. The insights from just one session are spilling over into other areas of my life too, with wonderful results.

- Sam L.

I spoke to them with a tone of voice and body language that communicated exactly how irritated and frustrated I was. My dysregulation helped them become dysregulated too. They each handled it in their own way, based on their personality and temperament.

My son shut down completely (also known as dissociation). One daughter got pissed and angry. The other melted into a puddle of shame.

All because I used my emotions as directions instead of signals.

I projected my dysregulation out into the world through my words, tone, and body language — and the people I love most paid the price.

Emotions make great signals. They make terrible directions.

Your emotions are your body’s way of sending signals back to your brain that something is off.

Those signals are meant to travel both ways — from your brain to your body, and from your body back to your brain. But most of us were never taught how to interpret the signals coming from our body, in the form of emotions.

We’re good at the other direction. We think about walking to the car and our body moves. We think about brushing our teeth and our hands do it automatically. We send signals to our body all day long.

But our body is sending signals back — through emotions — and most of us either ignore them or react to them without thinking.

Are you receiving the signals your body is sending?

If you’re like my son, probably not — because you shut it down before you’ve even had a chance to feel it.

“Dad’s upset, so I’ll just disconnect from what my body is sending and feel nothing instead.”

If you’re like my daughters, you’re treating the signal as a directive.

“Dad’s upset with me — I must have done something wrong. I feel ashamed.”

“Dad’s upset with me, which means I’m not safe. I need to get angry so I can defend myself.”

Emotions Are Signals, Not Directions

So why was I so irritated and frustrated this past week?

When I slowed down and actually felt the emotions without reacting to them, I could interpret the signal. Tidy, clean spaces make me feel safe. Messy or dirty spaces make me feel irritated — and ultimately unsafe. This isn’t a conscious choice; it’s automatic conditioning from my childhood or just my personality and temperament.

The house was a mess, most of it from the kids. So they were responsible for my irritation, right?

Wrong. My emotions are always my responsibility.

The signal my emotions were sending was simple: I don’t feel safe in this mess. That’s it. That’s the signal.

Later in the week, I got another chance to practice.

Both kids’ rooms were a mess, and I could feel the irritation starting to rise. This time, I used the parenting pause — took a breath and asked myself why I was feeling this way. I recognized the familiar feeling: unconscious unease in the mess.

But instead of reacting, I used my emotions as a signal.

I gave myself space to think about how I wanted to show up — aligned with my values and the kind of dad I want to be. The solution I landed on was to roll up my sleeves and help them clean their rooms.

My kids are 8 and 10. They don’t need my help to clean. So why would I do it?

Because I knew that if I sent them to do it alone, there was a lower chance it would get done — and my attitude toward them would suffer. But if we were on the same team, working toward the same goal, I’d feel connected instead of frustrated.

Collaboration changes things for me. This time I created connection instead of disconnection. I showed up as the dad I want to be — all from the same emotional signals as before.

The difference? I took the time to interpret them instead of obey them.

The Bottom Line

Hindsight is only 20/20 because we’re usually ignoring or reacting to our emotions in the moment instead of treating them as signals that need interpreting.

What if you could have that clarity in real time — because you know how to read what your body is telling you?

You can. I know because I’ve done it, and my coaching clients have done it in their own lives.

If you’re curious to see how this works with a real scenario from your life, let’s talk. I can teach you how to interpret your own emotions — and help you find that 20/20 vision in the present moment too.

Talk With Coleman

Recently, I've been wrestling with finding meaning and purpose in my work. It's been incredibly frustrating feeling so stuck.

After just a single session with Coleman, I suddenly had a new trajectory and excitement in moving my business and my life's work in a positive direction. Can't recommend his coaching services enough!

-Scott B.

In this episode, we talk about how over-scheduling quietly drains connection, why your family’s capacity matters more than you think, and how doing less might actually lead to a more meaningful, connected life at home.

Talk To Coleman

Have a question or comment to share?

We would love to hear from you!

You can send us an email at:

ordinaryfamilyshow@gmail.com

Here’s where you can find Helen and Rick online:

Website:

https://www.frownies.com/

Instagram:

helenkmorrison

Here’s where you can find us online:

Websites:

https://www.colemanhousefield.com/

https://www.thenaturelabschool.com/

Substack:

colemanhousefield.substack.com

Instagram:

abbyhousefield

coleman.housefield.coaching

This is quietly taking its toll on all of us. Here’s the pattern: we make a decision to stay in a challenging situation, then think thoughts about it that make us feel terrible.

We do this all the time, in big and small ways. We make a decision, then let our thoughts quietly sabotage it.

Here are some specific examples from my coaching clients:

“I don’t like the way my husband behaves, but I’m going to stay married to him — and spend my time thinking about how awful his behavior is.”

“I made an offer on a house, and the very next day I’m second-guessing myself, convinced I made the wrong call.”

Can you relate?

These are big decisions, which is why most of us struggle here. But this pattern shows up in the smaller moments too.

Like this one: You don’t think kids should play more than one sport at a time. Your wife disagrees, so you cave — and spend the rest of the season grumbling about how your second job is being a taxi service.

It’s Not the Circumstance. It’s What You Think About It.

You might think it’s your husband’s behavior making you miserable. Or that you made the wrong call on the house. Or that two sports is just too much.

But it’s not any of those things.

It’s what you think about them that’s creating all that negative emotion.

When you think “my husband’s behavior is awful” — you feel awful. When you think “I made the wrong decision on that house” — you feel anxious and regretful. When you think “the kids should only play one sport” but agreed to two — you feel resentful every single carpool.

Two Better Options (and One Terrible One)

There are two better options available to you. Both require upfront effort — which is exactly why most of us skip them.

But the payoff is real: you feel better, and that compounds positively over time.

Better Option #1: Change the Circumstance

• Leave the marriage if the behavior is truly unbearable.

• Don’t make offers on homes if buying feels too stressful right now — maybe renting is the better fit.

• Stop agreeing to things you don’t want to do. If your wife wants to sign the kids up for two sports, let her be the one driving them.

This option is usually the one we’re most aware of — and most uncomfortable choosing.

Better Option #2: Change Your Thoughts About the Circumstance

This one is more powerful than it sounds.

Instead of thinking your husband’s behavior is awful, try on one of these:

• He’s a human having a hard time.

• He sees things differently than I do — not wrong, just different.

• He’s an adult; he gets to make his own choices.

Instead of second-guessing your offer on the house:

• If it turns out to be wrong, I’ll learn something important about myself — that makes it worth it.

• If I don’t love the house, I can always sell or rent it later.

Instead of resenting the carpool:

• This is time I get to spend with my kid. I can use it to actually connect with them.

• This is how I show up for my family. It’s a sacrifice I’m choosing to make.

Notice how different those feel?

You go from victim to empowered. You stop waiting for the circumstance to change and start taking responsibility for how you feel — which gives you real agency.

The Terrible Option Most of Us Default To

Make a decision. Then think low-quality thoughts about it until you feel miserable.

We choose this one instinctively because it costs the least effort upfront. The problem is it costs the most in the long run.

We also choose it because most of us don’t realize we can change our thoughts. We only see “change the circumstance” as the alternative — and that can feel overwhelming.

“I’m not ready for divorce, so I guess I have to stay married and keep thinking my husband is awful.”

See how that works? You’re not stuck between staying and leaving. You’re stuck because you haven’t considered the third option.

Here’s the hard truth: staying married while spending years thinking terrible thoughts about your spouse almost always ends in divorce anyway — just with a lot more damage along the way. To your kids, your friends, each other, and yourself.

Bottom Line

Do a quick inventory of your life right now. Where are you making a choice — and then thinking thoughts about it that make you feel terrible?

• Is there a relationship that’s draining you?

• Something at work that’s nagging at you?

• A big decision you’re still second-guessing?

You have two good options: change the circumstance, or change how you think about it. Both are valid. Both take work. But either one beats the alternative.

If you’re not sure which path makes sense for you, let’s talk. Book a free initial call with me and we’ll figure out your best next step together.

Talk With Coleman

“I highly recommend Coleman to anyone looking for a transformative coaching experience! In just two sessions, I’ve discovered more about myself than I had after months of cognitive behavioral therapy.

Coleman’s unique ability to reframe and break down my limiting beliefs and encouragement to embrace the process has allowed me to make actual, palpable progress towards goals I long thought were unattainable.”

- Emily S.

Child therapist, Gary Unruh says that children need to feel successful 90% of the time. Initially I dismissed this as toxic positivity. Later on however, I realized he was right because feeling successful feels SAFE.

We all (not just children) want to feel safe most of the time.

We say we want to be happy and we want the people we love to be happy but that’s not actually true, we want to feel safe most of all.

How Your Nervous System Works

Your nervous system is constantly scanning your environment looking for cues in order to be prepared at all times to keep you safe so you can survive. These cues generally fit into 1 of 3 categories:

• Danger

• Neutral

• Safe

Danger cues are things in your environment that your nervous system has determined could be or are a threat (to your safety or survival). You should also know that your nervous system doesn’t know the difference between physical and emotional danger.

Here are some examples of cues your nervous system may interpret as a threat.

Danger Cues:

• Seeing an ambulance or fire truck at a car crash.

• Your child throwing a tantrum.

• Your boss scheduling a last minute meeting with no agenda

• Someone giving you the bird or cutting you off while driving

• Your card getting declined when you go to pay for something

• Your husband or wife making that face that feels like disappointment

Danger cues put your nervous system into a state of dysregulation. When your nervous system is dysregulated the part of your brain that thinks rationally and logically fades into the background while the instinctive part of your brain takes over. This part of your brain is called your amygdala and it’s primary job is to keep you safe at all costs.

Neutral cues are things you can ultimately ignore. This is all the stimulation that gets filtered out as your nervous system is scanning the environment.

Neutral Cues:

• The person walking on the sidewalk

• The music from your neighbors garage

• The billboard on your way to work

• The sound of a copier or printer humming

• Your dog sleeping on the bed as you work from your home office

You often won’t remember the neutral cues because your nervous system ignores them.

Safety cues are things in your environment that your nervous system interprets to mean you are safe.

Safety Cues:

• The warm sun on your face and a cool breeze in your hair

• A refrigerator full of food

• Your bank account right after you get paid

• A warm smile from a stranger

• A hug from one of your kids

• A co-worker complementing you on a job well done

• Your husband or wife thanking you for making dinner

• Someone commenting on how brilliant, beautiful, strong, thoughtful you are

For most people though, the lists I’ve provided here should be about 90% or more accurate.

And this is good news, because 90% of the safety and danger signals you and I receive are from other people.

Recognition Is Better Than Gratitude

Every single day, you are sending signals to other people’s nervous system through what you say, how you say it (tone), and your body language. In fact, the nervous system pays way more attention to tone of voice and body language when it’s scanning the environment for danger.

Here’s the great news:

You have the power to create safer environments for everyone in your home, at your work, and with your friends by sending cues of safety on purpose to their nervous system.

All you have to do is pay attention and recognize people for their contribution. You can recognize them publicly or privately, it doesn’t matter as long as you do it.

In general, we’re far too stingy with our compliments and recognition of other people’s (and our own) contributions.

Let me give you some examples from my own life where I’ve been ignoring people’s contributions.

I haven’t been recognizing when:

• My kids do their chores without me asking them to

• My kids are kind to each other

• My co-workers do a great job on a project

• Someone I’m playing pickup ultimate frisbee with makes a good play

• My wife, Abby makes dinner

• My parents pickup my kids from their enrichment program

Why don’t I recognize these things and say something?!

Because they’ve all become expectations instead of things I’m impressed by. I see nothing extra ordinary about any of it, so why say something?

Do you see the problem here? It’s hard to unsee it once you have. Here’s a little window into my thoughts which ultimately keep me from recognizing people for their contribution to my life:

• Of course my kids should do their chores, I’d have to thank them and recognize them every day if them doing their chores was worth pointing out.

• Of course my friend Caleb made a good play, he’s a good ultimate frisbee player.

• Of course Abby made dinner, she values good food more than I do.

• Of course my parents picked up my kids from their enrichment program, they agreed to do it when I asked them to because I couldn’t.

• Of course my co-workers did a great job on the project, they are good at their job.

Unfortunately, I’m often sending danger cues instead of safety in some cases. Here’s a few recent examples:

• Me to the kids: Why didn’t you do your chores today (in my grumpy dad voice)?

• Me to my co-workers: You missed this typo in the project you worked on.

• Me to Abby: I thought you were making dinner tonight?

And then I wonder why I don’t have the relationships I want with the people I love. It’s because I’m unintentionally sending danger cues to their nervous system while missing opportunities to send them signals of safety.

Why am I withholding my recognition until something extraordinary happens?

Is there any downside to genuinely and authentically recognizing people’s every day, ordinary but meaningful contribution to my life?!

I’m withholding because recognition costs me something and the survival part of my brain is always looking for ways to conserve energy.

Recognizing someone may require me to have courage, maybe paying someone a compliment or thanking them feels vulnerable to me. We (me and you) often avoid vulnerability unconsciously.

Maybe I avoid recognizing someone for their contribution because it takes time and I’m already behind on my day or I’m too busy to send that text, to pause and tell the person thank you. I’ve got too many other (important) things on my mind is what we think, or at least what we tell ourselves.

Bottom Line

Each time you recognize someone’s contribution in the world, think of it like pointing out why their existence matters, this is what their nervous system hears:

YOU ARE SAFE

YOU BELONG

I SEE YOU

Each time you criticize, correct, or point out where someone hasn’t done a good job or is falling short, this is what their nervous system hears:

DANGER

PROTECT

DEFEND

Of course we can’t always be sending cues of safety, there are moments where we need to critique or correct someone so they can grow and improve and here’s the really good news…

If you make it a habit to send cues of safety consistently, you build connection with that person and from a place of feeling safe and connected with you they will feel less danger when you correct them.

In some cases, they won’t feel danger at all because they know that your correction or critique isn’t dangerous. They know they are safe with you, they know they belong and they know you need them because you’ve been sending them so many safety cues, consistently over time.

I’ve literally watched this play out with my kids. If I start the day with recognizing my kids for their beauty, brilliance, and contribution (aka, communicating to their nervous system that they are safe) they will not feel the need to protect or defend when I give them constructive feedback or coaching about something.

You have the power to create a safer environment for everyone you come in contact with, each and every day.

Question For You

How would your relationships improve if you started sending cues of safety on purpose, every single day through recognizing people’s contributions?

Our first interview is with Abby and my longtime friends, Rick and Helen Morrison. We can’t wait to bring you more interviews this year to encourage and inspire you as you build a life that you love with your family.

Summary

Rick and Helen Morrison share their journey from struggle to harmony in family life.

Parenting can be one of the most rewarding yet challenging experiences in life. Many couples find themselves struggling to balance their roles, especially when one partner’s career demands their attention away from home.

In this episode, we’ll explore our conversation with Rick and Helen Morrison, who bravely shared their journey through the trials of parenting while managing a demanding career. You’ll learn about their struggles, the changes they made, and how they found a healthier family dynamic.

Rick and Helen Morrison’s story is a powerful reminder of the importance of prioritizing family and communication in parenting. Their journey shows that with courage and commitment, couples can overcome the challenges of balancing career demands with family life.

If you’re struggling in a similar situation, remember: you are not alone, and you can do this.

Have a question or comment to share?
We would love to hear from you!
You can send us an email at:
ordinaryfamilyshow@gmail.com

Here’s where you can find Helen and Rick online:

Website:

https://www.frownies.com/

Instagram:

helenkmorrison

Here’s where you can find us online:

Websites:

https://www.colemanhousefield.com/

https://www.thenaturelabschool.com/

Substack:
colemanhousefield.substack.com

Instagram:
abbyhousefield
coleman.housefield.coaching

Both of them recently sent me an update on how it’s going and they are both amazed at how well they are doing. Here’s a direct quote from one of my coaching clients (the name you see is made up to protect their privacy).

One of these clients is going through a divorce and the other one was just diagnosed with cancer.

Let me paint the picture for you:

The divorce includes 2 children and the absolutely devastating impact of an affair.

The cancer diagnosis is for a young mom, with 4 little kids at home who are counting on her to take care of them.

They should be falling apart, but somehow they are not.

In fact, both coaching clients have had friends and family comment on how well they seem to be handling this hard time (with a bit of disbelief and concern).

But it’s real, through the skills they’ve developed in coaching they are navigating these hard times with awareness, grace, and what may be the most surprising, PEACE.

For my coaching clients their peace is no longer contingent on everything in their life working out exactly as they want it to. It’s not dependent on the people around them behaving a certain way.

They know how to feel at peace in the midst of the storm. In some cases, the worst storm they’ve had to weather in their lives.

How is this possible?

What my coaching clients know is that they can create a sense of peace at anytime, for any reason. Because their peace is not dependent on their life circumstances anymore.

It’s dependent on them having their own back and knowing how to feel their emotions without projecting them out onto other people or withdrawing completely.

From the outside, we would all agree that their life circumstance is hard, their life isn’t easy and yet they feel the peace and ease they created in the midst of the storm through the skill of thinking on purpose.

An Invitation

It doesn’t have to be so hard. Your life, parenting, your work, your relationship with your husband or wife. Maybe even a gut wrenching diagnosis.

It can feel easy if you have someone who can support you and guide you in learning the skills of regulating your emotions and tending to your nervous system.

Coach with me this year and become someone who can feel at peace in the midst of the storm. Feel confident in yourself like never before, knowing that no matter what happens you will have your own back.

Book Call With Coleman

I’ve got 1 spot left in March and 2 spots coming available in April for new, 1:1 private coaching clients. The initial call is always FREE. Give me 45 minutes of your time and I’ll show you exactly how you can feel at peace and confident in the midst of the storm.

If you’re curious to learn more you can head over to my website:

Learn More

I’m good friends with other coaches and therapists and if we’re not the right fit for each other I can refer you out to some incredible guides.

What if 2026 was the year you stopped trying and failing to do it on your own? What if this was the year, it felt easy?

You’ve got this, I’ll help you get there!

Coleman

This was the sentence my wife said to me last night while we were lying in bed.

“I could feel the shame in your tone as you were correcting our daughter today and I wasn’t even the one being corrected”.

My nervous system’s automatic response was to defend myself. “You’re under attack Coleman, you’ve gotta defend yourself” was one of my initial thoughts. I allowed this thought without reacting to it.

The next thing I noticed was the feeling of shame in my body. I was feeling ashamed for how I treated the kids these last few days. Abby (my wife) was right, I had been short, mean, and grumpy.

I laid there, in our bed next to my wife as she shared her observations of me from the last few days. I listened (to her and my thoughts) without reacting. I felt the negative and uncomfortable emotions in my body, without trying to defend myself or fix how I felt.

I felt naked, exposed, scared, and vulnerable.

I was so silent that my wife paused to check-in and ask if I was still listening. I said yes, that I was listening and thinking about what she shared.

Every signal my brain and body were sending me in this moment were telling me to fight (defend myself), run (remove myself physically), or freeze (disassociate and disconnect from Abby and myself).

Even now as I write this story to share with you I feel so vulnerable, naked, and exposed. I’m not even sure I want to hit publish.

But, I’ve coached enough people to know that my experience and story are not unique, it’s just that most of us aren’t willing to share and I want to share my story with you so you know that you’re not alone.

You’re not a bad father, mom, husband, wife or friend, you’re a human who makes mistakes.

What Was Different This Time

Previous Coleman would have defended himself, run away or tried to numb himself emotionally so I could avoid feeling the negative, uncomfortable emotions that were coming up for me like shame.

But this time, I stayed. I stayed physically present, I didn’t leave the room. I stayed emotionally present, I didn’t try to avoid or disconnect from the emotions my body was feeling and I stayed mentally present, I let the thoughts come and go without judgement.

I saw my behavior for what it was honestly in all of it’s ugliness and I allowed the shame to be there long enough until the emotion transitioned to sadness. I was truly sad that I had showed up for days, out of alignment with my values. I was sad for the way I had treated my kids because I could see behaviors impact on them.

I shifted from my usual automatic judgement response to an intentional curiosity:

Why had I been grumpy these last few days?

How had I not seen it before Abby pointed it out?

As I brought curiosity to my thoughts intentionally it helped me understand how I got here.

I didn’t sleep well at all one night, then I woke up much earlier than normal the next morning. Leading up to that night of poor sleep, I had been pushing hard, getting a lot of things done at work and in my personal life and I was feeling the fatigue of that hard push, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Instead of dialing back my expectations for myself over the next few days and giving myself some space to breathe and recover, I just kept pushing (inertia is a powerful force).

The way I was treating my kids, this was how I was treating myself internally and I was completely blind to it until Abby pointed it out.

Through curiosity I was able to understand how I got here. I was able to own the way that I showed up, out of alignment with my values and apologize to the kids for my behavior this morning at breakfast.

The temptation to beat myself up and conclude that I’m a terrible father was strong but I know that if I do this, it won’t help me learn from this experience and become a better version of myself next time.

Beating myself up won’t help my kids have a better father.

So, instead I concluded that I’m a good dad and I was having a hard time. Then I asked myself this question:

“How can I show up better, more aligned with my values next time”?

The answer for me was to pay attention to when I get in hyper productive, inertia driven mode. Notice it and check-in with myself to gauge my level of fatigue and plan for recovery time instead of continuing to push hard.

To notice when I’m short with the kids and check-in with myself right then and there instead of riding the wave of inertia.

Bottom Line

As I sit here in my home office and write this for you, there are tears running down my face.

The tears are from the feeling of sadness in my body. Sadness that my kids will conclude things about themselves, about the world, and about me from this experience because that’s what our brains do. I can’t go back and change what happened or how I showed up.

But I can change some things and so can you:

I can change the story I tell myself about what happened.

I can influence the story my kids tell themselves through taking responsibility, apologizing and repairing the relationship with them.

The final thing I can change is how I show up today and in the future using what I learned about myself to guide me.

Your kids and mine don’t want perfect parents. Believe it or not they don’t want parents who never yell or argue (even thought they might tell you this).

They want parents who are committed to becoming a better version of themselves, one step at a time.

They want parents who take responsibility without shaming anyone (yourself included) and learn from their mistakes.

They want parents who are humble enough to say, “I’m sorry for the way I behaved, my grumpiness was about me, not you” (because your emotions are always your responsibility). This is how you repair the relationship and create connection with your kids.

Our kids want parents who delight in them. Who give them our full attention and see them for who they truly are. In all of their brilliance and messiness.

Connection is what your kids and mine want from us most of all because CONNECTION = SAFETY.

If you want to learn from your mistakes without shaming and beating yourself up, I got you!

You can book a free, no pressure call to get started.

Book A Call

If you’re curious to learn more about the emotional regulation coaching I do or how it works head over to my website.

More Details

As always, you can reply directly to this email with any questions. I reply to all of them personally.

You’ve got this,

Coleman

PS. Want to go deeper? Here are three resources on this topic to support you!

You’ll learn practical strategies to uncover unconscious stories, rewrite them, and ultimately change your life trajectory—all while honoring reality.

Whether you’re dealing with limiting beliefs or emotional patterns, this discussion provides clear insight into how perceptions—more than facts—determine who you become.

In this episode:

• How the autonomic nervous system operates below conscious awareness to protect us from emotional and physical danger

• The significance of awareness in recognizing and shifting unconscious stories

• Step-by-step process for bringing hidden stories to the surface through journaling and thought downloads

• The concept that memories are reconstructed, not replayed like videos, and how this makes rewriting possible

• How stories about key events—like trauma, divorce, or failure—shape identity and behaviors

• The difference between factual events and the stories we attach to them

• Practical coaching techniques to identify and reframe unhelpful narratives

• Why stories about who you are (identity) are more impactful than the events themselves

• How to make intentional shift from limiting to empowering stories that serve your goals

• The impact of self-coaching, external coaching, and neuroplasticity in rewriting stories

• Examples from history, neuroscience, and personal experiences to underline the mind’s flexibility

Have a question or comment to share?
We would love to hear from you!
You can send us an email at:
ordinaryfamilyshow@gmail.com

Here’s where you can find us online:

Websites:

https://www.colemanhousefield.com/

https://www.thenaturelabschool.com/

Substack:
colemanhousefield.substack.com

Instagram:
abbyhousefield
coleman.housefield.coaching

I still do this today when I’m really excited about something or when I have a lot of anticipation for something that’s about to happen.

When I became an adult, drumming on my body in a corporate office didn’t seem very professional so I stopped and my legs started bouncing. I noticed this behavior especially when I was in a meeting I was feeling particularly anxious or nervous about.

Legs bouncing, hands moving, eyes twitching, nose sniffling these are all nervous system responses. When we carry around unprocessed emotions in our bodies, it can surface as a physical tic or movement that we do, often unconsciously.

Your body is doing it’s best to process what you’re feeling, in a physical way without you having to consciously think about it.

How To Process Emotions On Purpose

If you notice you have a physical tic or habit where some part of your body just wants to move even when you are sitting or resting this your nervous system signaling you.

The signal is is personal to you. Are you feeling anxious, nervous, excited, or stressed?

What are you feeling anxious, nervous, excited, or stressed about?

Once I realized why my legs were bouncing I got curious about what was causing this to happen specifically for me using the questions above.

My Legs Don’t Bounce Anymore

Today, my legs don’t bounce anymore because I started bringing awareness and curiosity to when this would happen for me so I could interpret the signal.

For me it was almost always a nervous energy. Maybe I was feeling anxious or overwhelmed about something. Maybe I was feeling really excited about something.

Instead of letting my legs bounce, I would get curious about the emotions I was feeling in my body that were causing this automatic body response.

Doing this allowed me to get to know myself better so that I could better support myself. I did this through the practice of meditation and walking outside.

When you can be fully present with yourself in this moment with whatever emotion you’re feeling you create a very strong trust and sense of safety with you.

And when you feel safe with you, the hard things in life become easier. The error at work, the disagreement with your wife or husband, the challenging phase of development your child is going through right now.

It all becomes easier when you feel safe with you.

Practical Next Step

So what’s the nervous system signal for you?

What does your body do automatically to help you process your emotions?

Use this nervous energy habit or tic as a signal. It’s a signal that you are feeling emotions that you can process consciously.

Drop into your body and focus completely on the sensation(s) you find there (this is called meditation). Go for a walk outside without a phone or headphones and tune into your body as you move.

You can do this, I know you can because I did it and I’m just your average guy who loves his family and wants to be the very best, husband, father, friend, and co-worker I can be.

If you want my help, book a free coaching call and I’ll walk you through exactly how it works.

Book The Call

Fast forward to my teenage years. To this day, I can recall the police lights, the intersection where it happened in Tampa, Florida, the jolt of my truck running into another car and the feelings I had when I got in a car accident as a teenager, it was scary. I leaned heavily into my parents to find a sense of safety again.

In my 20s, there was a brief period where I lived on my own in an apartment, in a different state than my parents and I wasn’t married yet, I remember feeling so alone. I didn’t know it at the time but I was feeling unsafe because my whole life I had lived with my parents and turned to them for safety. Now, I had no one to turn to.

Sure my parents were just a phone call away but it wasn’t the same. The distance and reality of a plane flight was heavy on me.

Then I got married and naturally turned towards my wife for that same feeling of safety. Without even realizing it, unconsciously I had started outsourcing my safety to her.

If my wife was okay, then I was okay. If she was upset with me then I would feel a loss of security and safety.

I also outsourced my safety to my manager. If my boss was happy with my work, then I felt safe, if they weren’t then I felt insecure and not safe.

I had lots of different managers over the years in my technology career with lots of different expectations, temperaments, and personalities. Sometimes I felt safe with them, sometimes I didn’t. And when I didn’t feel safe I would double down, work harder, try to produce more value, get more done so I could impress them and make them happy with me. Afterwards when the dust had settled and I was exhausted I would resent and blame them for my exhaustion.

I really, really wanted to make my wife, Abby happy so that I could feel safe. I was convinced that if I could meet or exceed all of Abby’s expectations for me then I would get to feel safe.

When Abby was going through a hard time emotionally, she would withdraw from me and I would try even harder to connect with her because he withdraw made me feel unsafe. My trying harder to connect when she would withdraw just made things worse.

This was exacerbated when we had babies and toddlers because of the sleep deprivation factor.

I would work all day, she would take care of our kids all day. I would come home and care for the kids while Abby made dinner. We would have dinner together and put the kids to bed and collapse in our own beds, assuming the kids actually went to sleep (which they often did not). Then we would be up with the kids in the middle of the night trying to get them to go back to sleep and the cycle would repeat itself.

I felt a lack of safety in my nervous system often during this season of my life. Which essentially meant that my nervous system was in a fight or flight state much of the time.

I didn’t know that my safety was my responsibility as an adult.

In fact, I didn’t trust myself to keep myself safe and this spilled over into my beliefs regarding my ability to care for my wife and kids.

What if I wasn’t capable of keeping them safe either?

There is nothing quite like the safety I feel in the warm embrace of a hug from someone I love and trust.

When we’re kids we outsource our safety to our parents. This is good and appropriate and inevitably parents aren’t perfect and for all of us there were times when we didn’t feel safe as kids but still, we entrust our safety to them.

As we become adults, it’s important that we develop a sense of safety with ourselves.

If we don’t develop a sense of safety with ourselves, we will end up exhausted trying to satisfy everyone who we are dependent on for our safety and then blame and resent them for it!

Do these examples sound familiar?

My boss is so hard to please. She’s always micromanaging me and I can never get it right!

No matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to make my wife happy. I’m always doing something she doesn’t approve of with the kids or as it relates to our finances.

My husband won’t connect with me, he’s so distant and unemotional. I feel so lonely sometimes just wishing he would show some emotion and share something vulnerable with me.

I wouldn’t be so grumpy if the kids weren’t whining and bickering all day today!

All of these sentences are examples of how we outsource our safety to someone else.

As an adult, I had to learn how to build trust with myself. I had to learn how feel safe even when my wife was upset with me and my boss was disappointed that my team missed the deadline.

Imagine for a minute what it would feel like for you personally if you could feel safe even when you disappointed someone you cared about?

How would your life look different in the best way if you knew that no matter what happens, you are safe with you?

How do you build trust and create a sense of safety for yourself as an adult?

You work with me as your coach.

I’ll help you build a strong sense of confidence, capability and a feeling of safety in yourself no matter how everyone else treats to you.

You don’t have to figure this out on your own, I’ll guide you every step of the way until you can feel safe even when you miss a work deadline and especially when your spouse is having a hard time.

Book an initial, free, no pressure call with me to get started or if email is more your style, just hit reply and ask me your questions.

Book The Call

I promise you’ll walk away from this initial call with something practical you can apply to your life immediately to start creating safety with yourself that is not dependent on other people’s opinion of you.

In this episode, Coleman and Abby Housefield share proven techniques for guiding children through emotional regulation at different stages of development, emphasizing a shift from control towards connection.

Drawing on their personal experiences with three kids across age ranges, and their coaching expertise they uncover how parental regulation and emotional skill-building lays a foundation for resilient, independent, and emotionally healthy kids.

In this episode:

• The societal myth that parenting is about controlling behavior and why it’s flawed

• How children’s misbehavior is a natural part of their growth and testing boundaries

• The importance of shifting from managing behavior to guiding emotional maturity

• The power of co-regulation and why it’s foundational from birth onward

• How emotional regulation in parents directly influences children’s capacity to self-regulate

• Practical tools for different age ranges: zero to five, five to nine, and 10 to 14

• The significance of self-regulation, thought work, and emotional responsibility

• How fostering independence and connection accelerates emotional strength

Timestamps:

00:00 - The core mindset shift: from control to guiding emotional maturity
02:03 - Debunking the myth: children’s misbehavior is developmentally appropriate
04:01 - Why emotional regulation is more crucial than behavior correction
07:18 - The role of nervous system regulation in parenting and teaching
10:24 - The importance of feeling safe for neuroplasticity and change
13:10 - Co-regulation in infants to preschoolers: practical tools and examples
15:32 - The process of modeling regulation by borrowing calm from caregivers
18:03 - How children learn regulation through observation and presence
20:36 - Bridging from co-regulation to awareness in elementary-age children
25:17 - The strategy of movement and physical expression for emotional processing
32:13 - Teaching emotional awareness: how to help kids recognize sensations in their bodies
36:05 - Transitioning to thought work and emotional responsibility in preteens
38:26 - The power of thought-feeling-action mapping to shift behaviors
42:02 - Journaling and externalizing thoughts for clarity and emotional resilience
43:17 - The importance of parental self-awareness and emotional work
44:46 - Introducing the concept of emotional responsibility to older children
48:44 - The 50-50 principle: accepting life’s ups and downs as a pathway to resilience
54:23 - Why emotional strength surpasses physical and mental strength in importance
56:01 - How investing in your own regulation creates a generational inheritance of emotional resilience

Resources & Links:

• Dr. Dominique NG (Neuroscientist)

• Co-regulation tools and resources from Dr. Becky Kennedy

Additional notes:

• Focus on modeling regulation over correction

• Use curiosity and questions to foster independence

• Remember that emotional strength is an ongoing process—not a destination

• Seek support and coaching to accelerate your growth as a parent

Final thought:

The most powerful gift you can give your children is your own emotional strength. When they see you regulate and lead with connection, they learn resilience naturally. Your work starts with you, and it transforms your entire family.

Have a question or comment to share?
We would love to hear from you!
You can send us an email at:
ordinaryfamilyshow@gmail.com

Here’s where you can find us online:

Websites:

https://www.colemanhousefield.com/

https://www.thenaturelabschool.com/

Substack:
colemanhousefield.substack.com

Instagram:
abbyhousefield
coleman.housefield.coaching

Good information is like having the right tool for the job. It makes everything easier when you are taking action.

I’d love to hear your favorites in the comments if you are willing to share.

Relationships

Book: Hold Me Tight - Dr. Sue Johnson

The importance of emotional responsiveness in relationships cannot be overstated and yet so many of us instinctively emotionally blow up or withdraw from the people we love the most. Dr. Sue helps us understand why emotional responsiveness is so important and how to build this skill in your relationships.

Podcast:

The Science of lasting love with Dr. Sue Johnson

This episode does a good job summarizing Dr. Sue’s book. If you want to get a taste of what this is all about, start here.

Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel

Esther brings real couples into her studio and counsels them live. It’s amazing how many times I’ve learned something important about myself or my relationship with Abby just by hearing someone else’s story and Esther’s counsel to them.

Parenting

Books:

Good Inside - Dr. Becky Kennedy

When you start with the premise that your kids are good inside and when they are misbehaving they are having a hard time it changes everything. This is the foundation of Dr. Becky’s message and she goes into great depth to help us navigate all the specific parenting dilemmas in her book.

Getting It Right - Andy Stanley

Knowing what success looks like for you as a parent is one of the most important things you can do for your kids and for you as their parent. Andy Stanley and his wife walk us through how to define what we want most as the father or mother of our kids and how to create it through our parenting.

Podcasts:

Daily Dad - with Ryan Holiday

Short but poignant ideas and challenges for all dads to consider as we show up and parent our kids every day. I can feel challenged and inspired all in the same 5 minute podcast episode.

Durable Dad - with Tommy Geary

Practical wisdom and advice on how to grow and improve as a dad. Tommy shares from his own lived experience and from his expertise as a coach and there’s lots of gold in these episodes.

Good Inside with Dr. Becky Kennedy

The podcast version of the book mentioned above. Pick your medium and go for it!

Work and Business

Substack and Newsletters:
The Saturday Solopreneur - Justin Welsh

Justin advocates for us to build a life with love, doing work that supports that life not the other way around. It’s a beautiful contrast to the work hard, make lots of money and create the life you love when you retire approach.

Rewired by Chris Parry

Chris shoots straight and tells it like it is from his lived experience and his expertise in business. Chris is often willing to say the quiet part out loud so that we can all benefit from the truth in his words even if they may be a bit painful at first to acknowledge.

Podcasts:

The Knowledge Project

On the knowledge project the host, Shane Hipps interviews leaders from all walks of life, from all backgrounds and varying degrees of success. There’s always something to be learned from these interviews. Shane does an excellent job of asking the questions we all want to hear the answers to.

The Diary Of A CEO

The host of this podcast interviews a very diverse group of folks with interesting backgrounds and expertise. He’s thoughtful and genuine and full of insights about work and business.

Personal Growth and Inspiration

Substack and Newsletters:

Dr. Daniel Mascaro

This one talks about life and the importance of slowing down and taking care of one self instead of the self abusive busy schedules we all tend to lead without even realizing it.

Derek Hughes

This one often talks about all the ways in which we abuse ourselves and call it productivity. Derek advocates for having your own back, always.

Stefano Portaluri

This one challenges a lot of strongly held beliefs we have about high performance and emotional health. It’s refreshing and startling to be face to face with the data on how we are living out of alignment with our original design and the consequences of those choices.

James Clear

Challenging, fun, and inspiring every week.

Books:

How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LaPera

If you want to roll up your sleeves and actually do the work to become someone who enjoys being with yourself and fully and completely trust yourself no matter what happens this book is for you.

Life’s Golden Ticket by Brendon Burchard

If you need a new, inspirational perspective on life because life has become a grind or you’ve become numb.

Podcasts:

Typology with Ian Morgan Cron

If you’re curious about temperaments, personalities and nature vs nurture this is a fun podcast about the enneagram and how each of us are either choosing to grow or choosing to use our personality as an excuse for staying exactly the same.

Calm App

I meditate every week using the calm app. Some weeks its 1 time others it’s 5. Consistent meditation has helped me strengthen my nervous system’s ability to regulate no matter how dysregulated I feel in that moment.

Meditation and focusing on my breath for 10 minutes or more a few days each week has made me more present with myself, my kids, and my wife Abby.

Often the things that dysregulate our nervous system are in the past or future, in the present moment you are safe. This is what mediation reminds us of and I can’t recommend this practice enough if you want to build a resilient nervous system.

Final Thoughts

For some of you reading this, you don’t need more information you need to start taking action. If this is you, ignore this list and decide what your first step will be and get going.

If you want a coach to do the heavy lifting for you, you know where to find me! Book a free initial call to get started.

Book The Call With Coleman

For everyone else, don’t just read this list and do nothing. Read this list, pick one information source to consume, and decide one action step you’ll take based on what you learned.

Information without action changes nothing, action without quality information can be exhausting.

I love showing up, listening to the Peloton coach for 20-30 minutes and doing exactly what they say without having to think about it or plan anything ahead of time.

One of the things built in to every single workout is this rhythm:

Work → Recovery → Work → Recovery

Too much time working (time under tension) for your muscles, lungs, and heart rate and you risk injury or worse. Too much recovery time and you’re not really getting a workout in.

The balance of time between work and recovery is super important and unique to you.

In our every day lives we need the same rhythm for our emotional and mental health:

Work → Recovery → Work → Recovery

For many of us, our days and weeks have way too much work and not enough recovery time which is why you feel stressed, anxious, and burnt out.

For others, you may have too much recovery time so you spend that time consuming and scrolling social media. Essentially distracting yourself from the emotions you don’t want to feel like, discouragement and loneliness.

Practical First Step

Make a list of everything you did last week or yesterday and do a quick categorization exercise where you label what was work for you and what was recovery.

Notice what percentage of your day is work vs recovery. Do you have recovery built into most days?

Do you know what recovery is for you?

A good rule of thumb is that work should not be more than 80% of your waking hours and recovery shouldn’t be less than 20%. For each person the ratio of work to recovery will be unique and you’ll go through seasons of your life where these percentages will go up and down.

Here’s an example of a work day for me with recovery intentionally built in:

5-7am - Pickleball with friends → Recovery

7-8am - Breakfast with my family → Work

8-8:10am - Family journal time → Recovery

8:10-11:45am - Coaching → Work

12-1pm - Walk outside and lunch → Recovery

1-4pm - Coaching → Work

4-5pm - Play with my kids → Work/Recovery (depends on the kids moods)

5-6pm - Dinner with my family → Work

6-7pm - Cleanup the kitchen, pack lunches, walk the dogs → Work

7-8pm - Get kids ready for bed, snuggle and read to kids → Work

8-9pm - Shower, get ready for bed, catch up with Abby, read in bed → Recovery

One of the ways you can think about self care is that it’s how you recover.

It might feel strange to think about recovery being at the beginning of your day, like pickleball sometimes is for me but proactive self care is the best kind.

Don’t overthink it just take the list you already made from yesterday or last week and ask yourself how you can adjust it so that you are doing work that matters to you and recovery built into your days and weeks where you need it.

Bottom Line

Your days and weeks should look something like this:

Work → Recovery → Work → Work → Recovery → Work → Recovery

Also, something I wish I didn’t have to say but I know so many of us do this:

Stop waiting until the weekend to recover.

I can workout for a long time with recovery built in. This is why Peloton offers 1 hour workouts because they have recovery built in.

In contrast, if I wait until the end of a 1 hour workout to recover, I won’t make it more than 5-10 minutes.

Your mental and emotional capacity needs recovery time every day, just like your physical body needs sleep.

You can do this! I know you can because I used to work for the weekend with almost no recovery built into my days intentionally and now I build recovery into each of my days.

If you don’t know what recovery is for you or you want some help building out a day or week with a good balance of work and recovery I’d love to help you out!

Let’s hop on a video call and get you dialed in.

Hop On A Call With Coleman

A great marriage isn’t luck or chemistry, it’s a set of deliberate skills anyone can develop.

This episode uncovers the three revolutionary skills that shift your marriage from surviving to thriving: letting go of relationship manuals, owning your emotional responsibility, and choosing unconditional love and support. Coleman and Abby explain how giving up rigid expectations opens the door to deeper understanding, how taking responsibility for your emotions empowers you, and how love itself becomes a conscious act—not a feeling you wait for. These aren’t just theories—they’re practical tools they’ve used to transform tension into connection, resentment into appreciation, and routine into intimacy.

You’ll discover:

• The pitfalls of holding onto unspoken standards—your “relationship manual”—and how to dismantle it

• How supporting your spouse, instead of rescuing or enabling, builds authentic strength on both sides

• Why emotional responsibility is your secret weapon for a resilient and joyful marriage

• How to intentionally change your thoughts about your partner to cultivate love even in tough seasons

• Practical exercises to identify subtle expectations and leverage each other’s strengths for a partnership that grows more fulfilling over time

Failing to implement these skills can keep you stuck in cycles of frustration, distance, and unspoken resentment—while mastering them paves the way for a marriage that feels full, supportive, and worth celebrating.

Whether you’re in a challenging season or simply want to deepen your connection, this episode arms you with the clarity and tools to create a relationship that you love—and that loves you back.

Perfect for committed couples eager to elevate their partnership or singles preparing for marriage, this conversation is your blueprint for a lasting, vibrant love. Start applying these insights today, and watch your relationship evolve into the deep connection you desire.

Have a question or comment to share?
We would love to hear from you!
You can send us an email at:
ordinaryfamilyshow@gmail.com

Here’s where you can find us online:

Websites:

https://www.colemanhousefield.com/

https://www.thenaturelabschool.com/

Substack:
colemanhousefield.substack.com

Instagram:
abbyhousefield
coleman.housefield.coaching

Grabbing coffee and catching up does not have same the benefits of hunting or building something together.

We were made to connect and build relationship in the context of building, creating, and playing together.

We were not made to consume each other’s lives on social media and “connect” via commenting on each other’s posts.

Your phone and watch provide the illusion of being connected with other people all the time while actually just distracting you and pulling you away from the present moment and the people who are in the same room as you (ask me how I know).

We no longer bear witness or burdens with each other. Instead we just follow each other on social media and comment on the highlight reels or the latest tragedy or challenge we decided to share publicly.

Creating real, authentic connections in our relationships requires us to bear witness to each other’s pain without judgement and to support one another by helping them to bear their burdens.

We don’t call someone and ask them to help us bear a burden, we ask them to grab a coffee or a beer and catch up. This new normal is taking a serious toll on your nervous system and your relationships.

You can’t actually do either of these things (bearing witness or burdens) in a comment, DM, or while catching up at a coffee shop.

When was the last time you built or fixed something alongside another human?

When was the last time you played a game or went on an adventure with someone?

When was the last time you worked on a piece of art with a friend or family member?

When was the last time you went for a walk outside with someone?

This creates a real problem for your nervous system because its designed to live in the present moment, with the people who are right in front of you.

Your nervous system was not designed to spend a lot of time thinking about the past or future. Your nervous system was designed to spend the majority of it’s time in the present moment.

The 80/20 rule works well in this case. Your nervous system is at it’s healthiest when you spend 80% of your waking hours in the present moment and 20% thinking about the past or future.

For too many of us, the 80/20 rule is flipped. We spend about 80% of our time in the past or future and 20% of our time in the present moment and this creates all the negative emotions you’re trying to avoid feeling.

• Overwhelm

• Anxiety

• Fear

• Fatigue

Even worse, when we’re scrolling social media our nervous system doesn’t even know where we are. Are we in the past or future? We’re certainly not in the present moment.

So where are we?

Bottom Line

If you start paying attention you’ll notice that your nervous system feels the best, (regulated) when you are in the present moment.

When your nervous system feels the worst, anxious or overwhelmed you’re spending time not in the present moment often in your head in the past or future, scrolling on social media, overworking, overthinking or consuming which all takes you out of the present moment.

You can do two very simple things for FREE this week to help you regulate your nervous system.

1. Call a friend, ask your spouse or one of your kids to build or create something, fix something or play something with you.

2. Build friction into the use of your phone or smartwatch.

   1. Delete social media apps from your phone

   2. Use screen time to constrain when you can use certain apps and for how long

   3. Take your watch off on the weekends

   4. Put your phone on a charger in the garage, office, basement or somewhere it’s inconvenient for you to access so you can be present with your family

Your nervous system needs you to help it navigate this complex, always on, digital world. It’s designed to spend most of its time in the present moment. It feels safe, regulated, and good there.

You can do this! Start small using one of the two options above or go big and work with me as your coach!

My clients notice a minimum 3x increase in their progress towards their goals when they work with me as their coach vs doing it on their own.

Book The Call

When you’re ready, I got you!